The Guide to Surviving the Planet
by Sorehai
Summary: Do you want to earn money? Become a hero? A villian? Or basically stay alive as you run frantically away from that Tonberry over there? Well, I can help you. I'm Cloud and here's my guide.
1. Cloud's Note

A/N: Hello again my fellow FF7 fans. Yet again I am posting another ff7 fic. Except this one isn't a poem or Vincent centric. As the title states it is a guide to surviving on the planet. Considering how everyone in the game called it the planet, so our writer will be referring to it as such. Cloud will be the such writer. Now I made Cloud a bit more skeptical and thorough with his thoughts. Basically, very straight-to-the-point. To give him a little more emotion. I'm not trying to make Cloud OOC but frankly, though I love him dearly, he needs to open up more in my opinion. YES, I am well aware of how his life went. Now the following will be Cloud's author note for his book. The next chapter will be the actual chapter 1. Without further ado I hope you enjoy this fic so far and please look at it with an open mind.

Warnings: Well, on an occasional twist, Cloud may swear a bit. Like damn and hell, etc. That's it really. Well, kind of...

Disclaimer: I sadly do not own FF7 or any of it's characters. If I did however, Cloud and Sephiroth would have somehow, someway ended up together so he wouldn't have died. Yes, my inner fan girl is coming out again.

Note: Cloud mentions that certain characters who "died" are apparently alive. Their are now living their own lives. He will eventually explain how each one is still up and about.

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_Author's Note: _

_Hello. I am Cloud Strife, the writer and narrative of the book: "The Guide to Surviving on the Planet". Throughout this book I will teach and show you the numerous ways of getting on through life in this crazy world of ours WITHOUT attempting suicide, homicide, or genocide. If this does not appeal to you and you actually would like to do the above, I have an suggestion for you. You should pick up an acquaintance of mines book, entitled : "I was there. Why wouldn't I stab him?" By Sephiroth. It appears he heard I was writing a book just to spite him. Now why would I do a thing like that?_

_Moving on, over the course of this book we will be discussing things such as the basics, survival tips, common knowledge, FAQ, tips, combat, life as it is handed to us; this one is actually quite different, and many other lessons that would only help you. Not hurt you. Unless your mentor happens to be reading this over your shoulder than you should make sure he never stumbles over the section where we learn about materia. Especially fire materia. I remember back when I was a cadet... Heartless bastard told me the level 3 spell was only the level 1 spell... _

_Ahem, moving on to the set-up of this book. To make this easier for beginners, we have laid it out so you can be guided from the very start. From finding your inner potential, your place in a group, how to not faint in front of your first battle and knowing when to run like hell as soon as you see a Tonberry. Yes, I guarantee, you will stay alive in order to finish this whole book. Although I can't assure you about after... _

_As this is the author's note I feel I should point a few liabilities. Such as, many of these lessons should not be attempted if you are weak of heart, one of the elderly, pregnant, have a heart condition, underage for...let's say alcohol, have any permanently broken body parts, are a well liked member of the community for I doubt you actually want to leave home, on more than 4 medications, go to a therapist more than 12 times in a week, are allergic to nature, are in jail, happen to be one of the undead brought back to life but happened to already killed your master and now don't know what you should do, have any sociopath issues, we all saw happens then, or frankly, just don't care. _

_I the writer, publishers of AVALANCHE, editors of SOLDIER are not to be held responsible if you happen to become mortally wounded, strangled to death, suffer an internal binding within yourself, end up in jail if you are not already in jail and were caught trying to escape AGAIN but were caught and now put on death row, become chronically ill mentally or physically, a very hated member of community, swear you saw hell and back, and etc. by using or attempting to do what the book indicates. _

_We, however, will be held responsible if you happen to turn to a page and see two large red glowing eyes at you. They are apparently messengers of Satan who are trying to suck every soul they can before he gets back from vacation in Honolulu. If this does in fact happen to you, ignore the voices in your head, break eye contact immediately, slam the book shut, toss it out your window into the nearest bush and run quickly to the nearest monk. He will then point you in the direction of the nearest priest, which will be at the nearest temple. If the said priest is not there, talk to the head of the temple, and he will point you towards the nearest church. If said priest is not there, then he must be on vacation in Iceland. I hear it is quite nice there in January... So I've heard. _

_Caution, if the monk you happen to talk to in the beginning is eating fried Chocobo you might want to keep running. Of course if the Inn you were staying at happened to HAVE a priest, well, all of this could have been avoided couldn't it? And with that little statement in mind I end this author's note. Best wishes and good luck._

_-Cloud Strife_

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That ladies and gentlemen is the start of the guide. I was planning on posting the first chapter as well but I still need to add in a few more details. Remember, all feedback welcome.


	2. Your reason for your quest

Warnings: Pretty much the same as before. 

Disclaimer: I do not own anything involving FFVII, well, except the game. Oh how I love RPG's...

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Hello again and welcome to our first lesson of the guide. Now I bet you think you're just going to go pick your weapon and start on your quest? Well, not only are you way ahead of me, you have already screwed up. Ahem, the first step is to pick a reason why you are going to go on a journey. Make it note-worthy, important, something that people will remember you by through the ages. If your going to go on a quest simply because somebody stole your ice cream, follow my advice carefully. Get sober, take some aspirin, then proceed to hit yourself over the head with a hammer, take some more aspirin, and keep doing this until you have forgotten why you are doing this to yourself. If it worked for Reno, it will work for you. As I was saying, ask yourself some of these questions to see if any of your greatest goals are potential quest starters. 

Questions

1. Are you out for vengeance?

2. Are you seeking a long-lost relative or friend?

3. Has someone threatened to kill you over 100 times and you know it's the same person but you can never find them and all you know is they enjoy sending you messages written in fresh blood on parchment, that is rolled up and tied to a flaming arrow that makes impact on the northern wall of your room at 6:38 p.m.?

4. Are you in great financial debt because apparently that bet you made six months ago failed? You know, the one about the Chocobo becoming extinct? You poor pitiful sap...

5. Are you searching for great mythical lore or some really "special" treasure from great legends?

If these questions are a bit too...specific for you, here are two very easy ones that will get you going in almost no time. I, by the way, cannot guarantee that.

Do you want to be a hero?

Do you want to become a villain?

I must tell you that although I can give you good tips for being a villain, I cannot help you , oh say...take over the world or lead a world wide genocide. If that sounds very appealing to you, I suggest you pick up another of Sephiroth's books. It is called "I'm evil. The only real question here should be why WOULDN'T I massacre the entire village, set it a flame after words, turn away slowly while laughing evilly and then throw a convenient mog at the remaining doorway that somehow managed to stand after all of that chaos. How do YOU answer that one!" You can't miss the book. The font's another question...

As you can tell, Sephiroth thinks he is counter spiting my book that he thought was spiting him despite the fact "I have no idea what he is talking about"... That poor man lost more than his eyebrows from that fall. Not to mention two back teeth...ew...

The only reason he is having an inferiority complex is because my book is easily outselling his TWO books. HA! WHO IS THE FAN FAVORITE NOW! I'm very sorry you had to see that...

Um, going back to the main subject at hand, you also won't be able to become the ultimate hero. You can however become that by reading my autobiography which will begin selling in stores starting in the next 6 minutes and 37 seconds.

Now, after you have contemplated on what your journey should be, we are ready to move on to the next part. Gil. You need quite a bit of this before you can even get into lesson two, which is about finding your weapon/fighting style. Your probably thinking, "But Cloud, I can't fight! How am I gonna get gil!" I have a very simple answer to that. It's called a JOB. You may have to do many odd jobs but you will get the money you need ...eventually... The following is a list of jobs perfect for these kind of events.

1. The stables: Yes, cleaning Chocobo stables will probably suck a lot but at least you may learn some interesting facts about the Chocobo and you will get to see them ALOT. Better get a good look because it will be a very, very LONG time before you ever step foot near one again. We will not cover that until further in the guide. Besides, you'd probably set the damn thing on fire mistaking it for an enemy the first couple times.

2. Materia shops: Even if you know squat they will let you in there anyway. All your doing is selling equipment because quite frankly, if I remember the fool who tried to summon Shiva, you will be the cause of the second apocalypse if you attempt anything more than "status affecting spells"... Dear lord those suck...

3. Recycling: Have you been to Midgar? Or, if you are an inhabitant, than you have seen the countless glass bottles hanging around... It's a sad, sad site when you have to meet the drunkards who try to molest you but it's worth it in the end. Trust me, if you think you have it bad, READ my life story... I'm never going to feel the same about a wig again...

4. Tifa's Seventh Heaven: Tifa is always looking for people to help throw drunks out her doors. Just don't tick her off. According to Scarlet, Tifa's got a mean right hook.

5. Tour guiding: Come on. You know you want to! If you know the great history of towns such as Nimbleheim, then go for it! Just don't go into the mansion's bottom floor. Um, a certain gunman doesn't really like company, unless you happen to know him and REMEMBER to call out your name if you do. And that is why Cid got shot in the ass. Again. You think Vincent would recognize his voice by now...

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes lesson 1. Simple and straight to the point. I hope to see you for lesson 2: Finding your inner and outer place.

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All feedback welcome.


	3. Weapons: Your inner potential

Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy. Erk...

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Welcome back and here we start lesson 2: Finding your inner and outer place. For those of you who have been pondering what that means, let me inform you. To find your inner place is to know your own strengths and weakness'. Knowing what you are good at and knowing that you enjoy it. While your outer place is you in life showing and projecting the role you play. Be it battle or not. In simple terms, this means if you have no back-bone, spine, self-confidence, self-esteem, or have lost the will to live, get the hell out. No one wants to work with you if your feelings and ego are crappy. Believe me, after I saw Reeve running out crying after Rude stepped on his foot, you just know. Of course if you have a very big superiority complex like SOME silver haired, green eyed, spite writing author's, who may I remind you had no job, is living in the old abandoned ware house on 94th street because even his grandmother rejected him, people will most likely want to form an angry mob and kill you. 

Now the reason I brought up all of that physiological nonsense is because, depending on what suites you best, you may already have a weapon in mind. You must always be able to defend yourself. The following are starting weapons that you can choose from and their descriptions showing you what kind of fighter you can consider yourself:

1. Buster Blade: Ever dream of swinging a very large blade around like nothing and slaying your enemies with it? Well, this is the weapon for you. I started with this weapon years ago and look where I am now. It only cost 1000 gil and is a pretty good all-around weapon. This will enable you to become classified as one of the "Swordsman" class. Those who reign in this field will have, in time, incredible attack power, a pretty nice defense and average materia dealing spells. They work best on the front line. I will explain this later.

Other swords available: Hardedge, Mythril Saber, Force Stealer, Butterfly edge, Rune Blade, Yoshiyuki, Mursame, Nail bat, Organics, Enhance sword, Crystal Sword, Apocalypse, Ragnarok, and Ultima Weapon.

2. Guard Stick: Fancy yourself to be more a lover than a fighter? Don't worry, you're not a freak, your more suited to that of a magic-user. Those who wield sticks/rods tend to have more materia choices and more magic power. And it only cost 800 gil. Thus their attack tends to suck and they must be protected. But when they let loose on the battle field with a summon spell, look out. Better keep 'em in the back unless you want to explain to your leader why your "mage" is on top of a tree screaming "the Dragon Zombies are going to eat me!" You know you screwed up then because you also happen to be in the plains...

Other available: Striking staff, Mythril rod, full metal staff, wizard staff, fairy tale, prism staff, wiser staff, Aurora staff, Princess guard, and Parasol.

3. Leather glove: Want to be the brawler of the group? The one who can brake skulls without a fancy weapon and knows how you take action? I present to you the leather glove. If you happen to have a voice that screams in your head: "Drop-kick him now! It's our only chance!" Then you know you would do good with these protecting your knuckles. At only 300 gil they are the most affordable. Just make sure you have the attack power to back up your most probable bad defense and you should be fine...Really.

Other available: Metal knuckle, Mythril claw, grand glove, motor drive, tiger fang, platinum fist, diamond knuckle, work glove, dragon claw, kaiser knuckle, crystal glove, god's hand, and Premium heart.

4. Gattling Gun: Would you happen to be missing one of your hands and are looking for something to replace it with? I, my friend, suggest you buy this gattling gun and get it engraved! It's incredibly cheap, a long range weapon, and you can master in as little as a year. Unless you have the attention span of a gold fish, then well, your screwed. You are one of the gunman who have pretty high stamina and hang in there, such as if someone were to play the decoy, they would pick you! Or they might just really hate you, that has happened before. I remember that unfortunate accident at that New Years party last year. If only the Turks hadn't broken up maybe Tseng wouldn't have to be posing as a clown at birthday parties...

Other available: Assault gun, atomic scissors, cannon ball, w machine gun, heavy vulcan, enemy launcher, drill arm, chainsaw, rocket punch, microlaser, AM cannon, solid bazooka, max ray, and missing score.

5. 4-point Shuriken: Do you happen to have an inner ninja in you? Then you will enjoy this weapon very very much. It may not be long range but I'm sure you'll manage. You can be a great supporting character so whenever you are actually picked for battle, well, use that time wisely. At only 100 gil, you can make many childhood fantasies come true. Just don't drop this on your foot or you will really hurt yourself.

Other available: Boomerang, wind slash, pinwheel, twin viper, razor ring, hawkeye, crystal cross, conformer, oritsuru, magic shuriken, super ball.

6. Mythril clip: Are you not exactly human but communicate with them? Do you prefer to use your teeth, claws, and head when fighting? I present to you the mythril clip. Only 800 gil and has excellent accuracy. You can be of great aid to you and your fellow team members. Or you could just stand there and look pretty. I mean, it is a clip after all...

Other available: magic comb, diamond pin, silver barrette, seraph comb, plus barrette, hairpin, gold barrette, adaman clip, crystal comb, spring gun clip, centclip, limited moon.

7. Quicksilver: Have a gun fetish? Enjoy hunting or attacking with great precise from the back row? Congrats, a gunman you shall be. You can certainly handle any threat and your allies will always you know you have their backs. Even if you accidentally shoot them in the ass a couple of times... Vinnie never really got used to Cid standing RIGHT IN FRONT of him... I pray he does not read that specific line... I do, however, know who is reading this book. Because he wants to find my weak point and break it so he can introduce a sequel to that second book of his. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU BUDDY, MY EDITOR IS RUFUS SO HAH! Yet again, sorry you had to see that.

Other available: peacemaker, sniper cr, shotgun, shortbarrel, sliver riffle, lariat, winchester, outsider, supershot st, buntline, long barrel R, Death penalty.

8. Yellow M-phone: One thing to say: have fun. Other available: they come in other colors.

9. Spear: Can you not stop poking things for more than five seconds? Do you go whaling daily? At 1200 gil you know you're gonna like this spear. You can have excellent attack power and utmost speed. Just don't get it stuck in the ground if you happen to miss that joker you were targeting.

Other available: Slash lance, trident, viper halberd, mast ax, javelin, partisan, scimitar, dragoon lance, mop, venus gospel.

That people are all of the choices offered to you for your fighting pleasure. Now during some of those I had mentioned the front line and the back line. Well, during battle, you will notice people select footing in an area and some follow. Those aimed up more towards the front tend to be able to take more attacks and can actually survive. Those who stay in the back tend to have low defense and their stamina will take a major blow. It is much safer in the back and thus why it was created.

You may be wondering why some of these weapons have really corny names, or oxy-morons... I'm not really sure. It's either the people who made or found them who named them. Point is, they're sharp, large and at times blunt.

I hope looking at this will help you decide what type of fighter you want to be. Stay tuned for the next lesson: Armor- Is it really worth it? Damn right it is!

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Just so you know, I was guessing the cost on some of them because they don't say anything in my stragedy guide. Which I looked at after I beat the game! Anyway, yeah so make sure to review. 


	4. Armor: A Warrior's Best Friend

Disclaimer: I merely do this because frankly there has to be someone out there who screams whenever fanfiction is without it's disclaimer. That's what I use my rough drafts for.

Warnings: Slight character bashing because Sephiroth ran into a few more problems. Mild swearing, insanity when you look at it from another point of view and other things.

Enjoy.

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Welcome to chapter three, at which you will learn one of life's most interesting secrets. Defense really is the best offense. Why is it considered a secret when I just mentioned it? Because most stupid, ignorant people don't believe it. They say it's a myth. Just like lightning never striking the same place twice... Better not say that around Cid, he had a rather unfortunate experience in that rain storm when he decided to try fixing that dent in his boat. Poor man still hasn't gotten back his eye lashes... Or his ability to whistle... Wait, let's save the rest of this story for later. 

In the this appropriately named chapter : "Armor- Is it really worth it? Damn right it is!" we prove that all the strength in the world doesn't matter if someone cuts your heart out of you while you're summoning a gigantic meteor to kill us all.

Everyone needs armor. It's a fact of life. But, be warned, just because your wearing armor doesn't mean your invulnerable. Depending on the material it's made of, you could still be in danger. Let us say, you attempt to kill a dragon while wearing _leather_ armor. Or maybe _bronze_. Of course I have no idea why you would do anything like that. For crying out loud man, you'd still be trying to kill all those standard bats that always make you miss when you have an 80 percent chance of hitting them. Hell, good luck finding a dragon. Wait, I'm getting off topic, at which I remind you, you better be taking notes.

The point, armor is always your friend. Unless you happened to have bought some for a friend who just came back to you and you have been wondering where they have been all this time. Then they respond that everything is okay and you shouldn't worry about it. Then about 30 minutes later you discover that they happened to have turned evil and then they kick your ass because you helped them recover. But don't worry, my easily suckered into trouble friend, villains never check to see if you are actually dead.

Armor has come in handy many times. When you reach a new town and only have enough money for weapons or armor, pick armor. You can train in it and not worry about dieing a very sad and painful death as much as you would if you bought new weapons. Sure, getting the money to buy the weapons will take a long time but the point is, you'll still be alive.

Such armor that is used on Gaea are bangles and guards. Black smith now-adays are very simple when naming their newly crafted defense mechanisms. Generally, expect to see equipment such as "Gold..." or "Silver:..". It's that simple. Shopping will be a breeze considering all you have to do is look for the strongest type when purchasing.

The following are some very frequent and common questions about armor. Feel free to check here regularly, even if you think you know all about this. There is no shame is asking questions. They give us an opportunity to learn more from our mistakes and our actions. Now if only certain counter-spiting author's would do that, they may not have one book out selling three of theirs. Maybe Sephiroth would have better luck if he named his book a little more simply. For those of you who are interested, he recently just published one called: "The difference between being God and believing in God." Of course the only reason I know that is because it happened to have popped up in the recent paper. Apparently Sephiroth is living on the street now because the warehouse was actually burned down... And all because Rude finally decided to express himself. What I really want to know is how did he do all that with a tomato and a toothpick..? I mean, the char was charred...

Moving on, the following are the questions and their answers:

1. Q: Will I always have to buy my armor or is it possible to trade it in?

A: Many, many years ago, before I was even born, that was actually quite possible. All was going well, until the Blue Jays attacked. The Blue Jays were a group of scammers who would trade in their horribly bad fake armor to get actual "good" armor. One of their favorite pranks was apparently painting bronze armor gold with paint made from processed chocobo feathers. Unfortunately for them, they were caught, thrown in a vat of bacon oil and thrown out into the wild. Now that is where the REAL Blue Jay's attacked. To this day, if you stand in certain parts of the forest around Gagonga, you can still hear their tortured cry's of pain and suffering. And possibly wonder if a woodpecker had joined the fray because there was an awful lot of pecking going on.

2. Q: Is it possible to have my armor customized?

A: In most situation's, if you bring the materials needed to have the armor made, you can tell the black-smith what exactly you want out of it. Just don't complain to them if after the whole processing the items is done, your armor turns pink. Your own fault for not listening to the guy. Or girl. Whatever. Of course, forging equipment such as this is not done by magic and you tend to have to wait around a period of three days. Meaning, don't challenge your rival the day after you went to the blacksmith. It will most likely end very badly, as the Turks will tell you.

3. Q: How can I get my hands on some really rare armor?

A: THIS is the most annoying question that keeps reappearing and why can't you people get a clue? How do you think--- why can't --- ARGH! Okay, listen, most likely, to get hands on said armor you will either A: have to defeat a creature so powerful you wonder why it doesn't destroy the world itself, B: perform A except you take a particular item or part of the creature as your prize, C: enter some incredibly random contest that makes you look like a complete idiot, or D: go through a long maze filled dungeon, THEN you fight some creature, who will probably be a guardian, who knows... Gee, didn't that seem painfully familiar..?

4. Q: Am I really getting a bargain when I give them the money they ask for?

A: Oh heck yes. Definitely! Think about what else they could also charge you for! When you look at it you have all of the manual work, labor, cost of materials they use, the shop, and other assets. Trust me, unless your good at haggling, don't even attempt disagreeing with them. Those black-smiths are some very scary people. How else could they stand up to those flames they face every day?

5. Q: Why is it whenever I ever hear about rare armor, and the fact that it's been there for ages, it still stays there until I conveniently happen to find it? Is this some kind of omen for heros or am I just lucky?

A: AGAIN with rare armor? What is it with you people..? I am about to reveal one of the biggest pieces of advice I have. Just take the damn things! Of course it's an omen! When isn't it an omen? Luck has nothing to do with it. Basically, the universe loves to screw with us. The heavens are too tired to come up with any new creative ways to tell people they are to be the next hero. Let me put it this way, if you suddenly hear about this great item/power/person/place and want to find it. Guess what, you will. How am I sure? If you happened to have heard about that story from an idol/elder/old book an it occurs in your childhood/teenage years, you will. It's that simple.

If you happen to be a would-be hero, you may hear of it but it won't happen to you. The follow are guarentee traits that will make you a hero, maybe a villain, not really sure.

1. At some point in your life your hometown is destroyed and almost all you love is burned down with it.

2. You happen to lose your memory and then remember things at the strangest times.

3.You whine, complain, or make up a part of your life in order to coax how painful your soul feels. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am a very rare kind of hero indeed. I am a triple threat. And that is what got me where I am today. Note how I say this with pride.

The overall lesson we have learned today in this chapter is this: Armor is important, you need it. Now quit being lazy and buy it. It's not so hard.

After covering weapons and armor you probably think your ready to finally go out on your quest. Think again buddy. In our next lesson we will look at the wonderful world of accessories. In the chapter entitled: "Jewelry: More than a girl's best friend." See you in the next one.

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I hope this was to your liking. Yes, I did in fact add in some lovely cliches but I couldn't help myself. Cloud made history and I doubt he wants to hear all those again. Hence his hysterics. 


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